| YOUSSEPH WEHBE'S HOMEPAGE | |||||||||||||||||
|
WELCOME TO YOUSSEPH WEHBE'S PAGE IF I CAN BE AT ANY SERVICE TO YOU PLEASE EMAIL ME AT THE ADDRESS AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE. | |||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||
|
HERE ARE SOME JOKES FOR YOU: Just Kidding � Irish Jokes Musician Jokes Light Globe Jokes A Few Cards Short of a Full Deck Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? The Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song Titles Real answers from music examinations Waiter, Waiter What do you get... Worst analogies � IRISH JOKES � What do they put at the top of Irish extension ladders? A stop sign. � Did you hear about the Irish water polo team? They drowned six horses before half time. � What's written on the top of an Irish beer bottle? See other end for instructions. � What do they put at the bottom of Irish beer bottles? Open other end. � What did the Irish zoologist call his zebra? Spot. � An announcement came over the loudspeaker at Tullamarine Airport: Next plane for Athens at seven O'clock. Next plane for London at eight O'clock. And the next plane for Dublin will be when the big hand is on twelve and the little hand is on nine. � An Irishman was walking down the street with two hand grenades pierced through his ears. His friend asked him what they were for and he replied: 'It's obvious, if the Pommy soldiers get me and slap me around the ears they'll get their bloody hands blown off.' � Did you hear that Irish surgeons attempted the first haemorrhoids transplant? They couldn't find a donor. � What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? Run, he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. � When God was handing out resources why did the Irish get potatoes while the Arabs got oil? The Irish had first choice. � An Irishman came home and found his wife in bed with a total stranger so he went to the cupboard, got out his shotgun, pointed it at his head and said 'I'm going to shoot myself for being a complete failure.' Then his wife said 'don't shoot, I can explain everything.' The Irishman snapped back 'Shut up woman, you're next.' � An Irishman dialled the wrong number at four in the morning. When the person answered he said that he was sorry to get them up at such a time. The caller answered, 'that's all right, I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.' � An Irishman was holding the reins to about a dozen donkeys. An American tourist asked him if he could hire the donkeys. Sure, said the Irishman, just put a brick under the saddle. � An Irishman walked into his favourite pub with both ears heavily bandaged. What happened to you, asked his mate? Replied the Irishman: I was doing the ironing when the bloody phone rang. But why both ears, asked his mate? Came the answer: Well I had to phone the doctor, didn't I? � There were two Santa Clauses coming down the chimney. Which one was the Irishman? The one with the bag full of Easter eggs. � What happened to the Irish fish? It drowned. � Did you hear about the Irishman who fired an arrow into the air? He missed. � Two Irishmen had to take some bombs to London and since they couldn't fit all of them in the boot, Paddy had to nurse one in his lap. This made Paddy nervous, but his mate reassured him: Don't worry if it goes off, Paddy, we've got lots more in back. � An Irishman was arrested on suspicion of rape and put into a lineup of similar looking men. When the rape victim came into the room the Irishman says, "That's her, I'd know her anywhere..." � An Irish pilot got lost in a fog so he radioed Heathrow for landing advice. "Can you give me your height and position?" asked the controller. Five feet seven and sitting up front said the Irishman. � Why is the Irish suicide rate so low? Because it's pretty hard to kill yourself by jumping out of a basement window. � How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the conning tower. � Did you hear about the Irish fox that was caught in a trap? It bit off three legs and was still caught. � Did you hear about the Irish tap dancer who slipped and got his toe caught in the plug hole. � An Irishman was walking along the road with a sack over his back when his mate asked what he had in it. "Chooks" replied the Irishman. "If I can guess how many you've got, can I have one?" asked his mate. "If you can guess how many there are I'll give them both to you" said the Irishman. "Three." � Did you hear about the Irishman who was given a pair of water skis for Christmas? He spent the next five years looking for a river that flowed uphill. � Did you hear about the Irish dog that was chewing a bone and discovered that he only had three legs? � Did you hear about the Irishman who dug a hole but had to start again because it wasn't deep enough? � Why do they bury Irishmen with their bums in the air? Bike racks. � Did you hear the one about the Irishman who wanted to be buried at sea? Six of his mates drowned digging the hole. � Why do Irish dogs have short noses? From chasing parked cars. � How does an Irish firing squad line up? One behind the other. � Why don't the Irish have ice in their drinks? The lady who knew the recipe died. � What's got an I.Q. of 25 and digs ditches? 25 Irishmen. � What's got an I.Q. of 28 and digs ditches? A wombat. � Did you hear about the latest Irish attempt on Mount Everest? They ran out of scaffolding. � Why did the bald Irishman paint rabbits on his head? He thought from a distance they might look like hairs. � What do you do if an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin out and throw it back. � What do you call an Irishman with half a brain? Lucky. � Then there was the Irish plumber who went to Niagara falls. "I could fix that", he said. � Then there was the Irishman who refused to be a Jehovah's Witness because he hadn't seen the accident. � Then there was the Irishman who always kept an empty carton of milk in the refrigerator.......Just in case someone wanted black coffee. � Paddy was insuring his car against fire, and the Insurance agent asked if he would like to ensure against theft as well. "don't be daft", said Paddy," who the hell would steal a burning car." � Then there was the Irishman who won a gold medal at the Olympics. He was so delighted with it that he had it bronzed. � Musicians Only � Q. How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison? A. Shoot one. � Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two flutes in unison. � Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? A. Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. � Q. Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants? A. Both give you a warm feeling, but nobody else cares. � Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. � Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bassoon recital. � Q. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in the handicapped zones. � Q. What's the definition of a nerd? A. Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. � Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? A. You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbours will be upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it. � Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. A man who brings a soprano sax to a gig and refuses to play it. � Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to do it, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. � Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for direc- tions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A. The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means you're hallucinating. � Q. What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bari sax? A. Vibrato. � Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. � Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. � Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. Skid marks in front of the snake. � Q. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session. � Q. What's the range of a tuba? A. About twenty yards if you've got a good arm. � Q. What's a tuba for? A. About 1 1/2" by 3 1/2". � Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A drummer. � Q. Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses? A. So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. � Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They have machines that do that now. � Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig? A. "Would you like some fries with that, sir?" � Q. What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool. � Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A harpist tuning unison strings. � Q. Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same place twice. � Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A. The bow is moving. � Q. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A. They are both offensive and inaccurate. � Q. What do violinists use for birth control? A. Their personalities. � Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A. Sit in the back and don't play. � Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your door? A. No one knows when to come in. � Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog? A. The dog knows when to stop scratching. � Q. Why are violins smaller than violas? A. They're not. Violinists' heads are just bigger. � Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? A. The coffin has the corpse inside. � Q. Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists. � Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A. The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one. � Q. How can you tell if a bass player is really bad? A. Even the section notices. � Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand. � Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb? A. She just holds it in the socket and the world revolves around her. � Q. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? A. You can negotiate with the PLO. � Q. What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? A. The dressmaker tucks up the frills. � Q. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... A. It would be a good idea. � Q. What do you call half a dozen dead basses? A. Deep six. � Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? A. Who cares? � Q. If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a conductor? A. Because it's had so little use. � Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. To get away from the noise. � Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer? A. Give him a sheet of music. � Q. Why is an electric guitar like a vacuum cleaner? A. When you plug it in, it sucks. � Light Bulb Jokes � Q: How many A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. � Q: How many strong A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. � Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. � Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time. � Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Both of them. � Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb. � Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. � Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. � Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. � Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs! � Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. � Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. � Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. � Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by blanks". � Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. � Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness. � Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. � Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. � Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway. � Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. � Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. � Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it. � Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...") � � Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. � Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. � Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. � Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. � Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! � Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. � Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. � Q: How many A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. � Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. � Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. � Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? � Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! � Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. � Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget! � Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. � Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? � Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder. � Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. � Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end. � Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. � Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? A: Who says it's dark? � Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. � Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb? A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him. � Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super- high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. � Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. � Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. � � Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three, one to change the lightbulb, and two to discuss the violation of the socket. � Q. How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A. 4. One to change the bulb. 3 to say " I can do that!" � � Q. How many fish does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. It depends if they fit. � A Few Cards Short of a Full Deck "Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel." A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A 20th century man... The guy has no future. A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards. A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem. A brain like a BB in a boxcar. A couple of slates short of a full roof. A couplet short of a sonnet. A day late and a dollar short. A deadbolt with a broken cylinder. A doughnut short of being a cop. A few beads short in her rosary. A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case. A few birds shy of a flock. A few bombs/melons short of a full load. A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load. A few clowns short of a circus. A few clues shy of a solution. A few ears short of a bushel. A few feathers short of a whole duck. A few fish short of a string. A few guppies short of an aquarium. A few inches short of a foot/yard. A few kernels short of an ear. A few kopeks short of a ruble. A few links shy of a chain. A few open splices. A few peas short of a pod/casserole. A few pickles short of a jar. A few pies short of a holiday. A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar. A few points short of a polygon. A few revisions behind. A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic. A few screws loose. A few spoons short of a full set. A few straws shy of a bale. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry. A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree. A few volts below threshold. A few yards short of the hole. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question? A flower short of an arrangement. A flying buttress short of a cathedral. A goose short of a gaggle. A hamburger / a few french fries short of a Happy Meal. A handle short of a suitcase. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock. A lap behind the field. A little light in his loafers. A looney tune. A medical mystery. A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes. A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body. A notch off the timing mark. A one-bit brain with a parity error. A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits. A pane short of a window. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A prime candidate for natural deselection. A quart low. A return with no gosub. A room temperature IQ. A semitone flat on the high notes. A signature short of a book. A sleeve/button short of a shirt. A span short of a bridge. A square with only three sides. A strawberry short of a quart. A teabag short of a pot. A teapot with a cracked lid. A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs. A tower short of a castle. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world. A VGA card and a Herc monitor. A victim of retroactive birth control. A violin minus the bow. A walking argument for birth control. A wind-up clock without a key. Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much. Airhead / bubble-brain. Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice. All booster, no payload. All crown, no filling. All foam. no beer. All hammer, no nail. All hat and no cattle. All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter. All his eggs in the same basket. All his learning curves look like Mount Everest. All lime and salt, no tequila. All missile, no warhead. All shot, no powder. All the lights don't shine in her marquee. All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap. All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag. All wax and no wick. Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts. Always in the right place, but at the wrong time. Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed. Always needs to have jokes explained. Always sharpening his sleeping skills. An 8080 in a 68000 environment. An alligator (all mouth, no ears). An Apple //e on UUCP. An early example of the Peter Principle. An ego like a black hole. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese. An inch short and a stroke early. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. An XT clone in a Pentium zone. Ano-fossal ambiguity (can't tell his arse from a hole in the ground). Answers the door when the phone rings. Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot. As bright as a night light / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb. As focused as a fart. As happy as if he had brains. As happy as the village idiot. As quick as a corpse. As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beach ball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart. As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest. As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script. As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly. As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.) As thick as two short planks. As worn out as a cucumber in a convent. Attic's a little dusty. Back burners not fully operating. Bad spot on the disk. Baler done run out of twine. Barney's his hero. Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone. Bats in the belfry. Batteries not included. Been napping in front of the ion shield again. Been playing with his wand too much. Been playing with the pharmacy section again. Been short on oxygen one time too many. Been using her head as a mass driver. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. Blew his O-rings. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed. Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head. Blown/leaking head gasket. Born a day late and like that ever since. Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. Born ugly and built to last. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat. Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head. Brain permanently in power saving mode. Brain transplant donor. Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint. Bright as Alaska in December. Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply. Brings binoculars to submarine races. Broadcasts static. Bubbles in her think tank. Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks. Caboose seems to be pulling the engine. Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet. Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people. Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff. Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist. Can easily be confused with facts. Can only remember her old passwords. Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick. Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice. Can't distinguish jacking off and strapping a razor. Can't find his arse with two hands and a periscope/ compass/flashlight/bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet). Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat. Carrier wave unmodulated. Carries a tire gauge in her purse. Cart can't hold all the groceries. Cauliflower for brains. Changes hands and picks up a stroke. Charming as a carbuncle. Cheats when filling out opinion polls. Cheezwiz for brains. Chimney's clogged. Clock doesn't have all its numbers. Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped. Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag. Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick. CPU not connected to the bus. Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.) Cranio-rectally inverted. Cunning as a dodo bird. Cursor's flashing but there's no response. Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist. Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date. Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror. Defective hard drive / boot sector. Dense as a London fog. Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas. Differently clued. -- Dave Clark Dock doesn't quite reach the water. Does aerobics... in his head. Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock. Doesn't adjust for leap years. Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over. Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane. Doesn't have a round in every chamber. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter. Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat. Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks. Doesn't have his belt through all the loops. Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker. Doesn't have two neurons to rub together. Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls. Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on. Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target. Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate. Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude. Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it. Downhill skiing in Iowa. Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage. Driving at night with the lights off. Driving with two wheels in the sand. Dropped his second stage too soon. Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a stump / a sack of hammers. Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing. Echoes between the ears. Eight pawns short of a gambit. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse. Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open. Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button. End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock Enjoys listening to telemarketers. Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant. Evidence for the theory of a missing link. Failed the Turing test. Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun. Finds a flat by swapping tires. Finds canonical humor collections amusing. Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span. Fired her retro-rockets a little late. Flaky. Flying/landing on one engine. Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun. Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them. Four bits shy of a full DEC. Four cents short of a nickel. Full throttle, dry tank. Gasoline engine, diesel fuel. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench. Gears grind/don't always mesh. Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle. Goalie for the dart team. God might still use him for miracle practice. God's favorite target for lightning strikes. Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter. Good at quantum tunneling but not much else. Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it. Got his brains as a stocking stuffer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference. Gyros are loose. Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves. Had a head crash. Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse. Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether. Has a few wait states. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together. Has a leak in his ceiling. Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express. Has a pulse, but that's about all. Has a slow clock. Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together. Has all the brains God gave a duck's arse. Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt. Has change for a seven dollar bill. Has his brain on cruise control again. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon. Has it floored in neutral. Has no discretionary intellect. Has no upper stage. Has only one chopstick in the chow mein. Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent". Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis. Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit. Has the brains of a house plant. Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut. Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below house plant. Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding. Has the mental agility of a soap dish. Has the personality of a snail on Valium. Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard. Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited. He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant. He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans. He writes blank checks on a closed account. He's a General Protection Fault trigger. He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier. He's diagnosable. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. He's so dense, light bends around him. He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head. Hears everything that a dog can. Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards. Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas. Her blender doesn't go past "mix". Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer. Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes. Her dialing thumb must be broken. Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass. Her head needs a periodic whack on the side. Her leads need resoldering. Her memory is truly random-access. Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot. Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes. Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply. Her mind might have spontaneously combusted. Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod. Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier. Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk. Her pool balls don't fit into the rack. Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now. Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill. Her synapses are about |that| far apart. Her tires are a little low. Her wipers don't touch the glass. Hid behind the door when they passed out brains. High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog. His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings. His actual mileage varies. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His brain could be the perfect dielectric. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock. His buffer is full. His clutch is slipping. His deck has no face cards. His elevator is stuck between floors. His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived. His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams His head whistles in a cross wind. His home planet is flat. His IQ is a false positive. His jack can't get the car off the ground. His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency. His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. His mind is write-protected. His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit. His mind wandered and never came back. His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine." His page was intentionally left blank. His picture is in the dictionary under "zero". His puzzle is missing a few pieces. His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position. His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon. His spark can't jump the gap. His strip is demagnetized. His system administrator is never in. His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts. Hitler's evil twin. Hyperspatially interconnected neural net. Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken. I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / the wax out of her ears. If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio. If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup. If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea. If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week. If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years. If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true. If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them. If he had half a brain, his arse would be lopsided. If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards. If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy. If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously. If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebs off his balls. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant. If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked. If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. If wit were shit, he'd be constipated. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. Ignorant, and proud of it. Immune from any serious head injury. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants. In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size. In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms. In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks". In need of a ROM upgrade. In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store. Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns. Infinite space between her ears. Informationally deprived. Inhabits her own private timezone. Inspected by #13. Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." Intellectually/synaptically challenged. IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age. IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut. It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm. Just another flash in the bedpan. Keeps his imagination on a long leash. Knitting with only one needle. Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence. Landing with his gear/brain up and locked. Leaky sunroof. Left hand threaded. Left his booster on the launch pad. Left the store without all of his groceries. Leveled off before reaching altitude. Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King. Lightbulb over his head is burned out. Lights are on but nobody's home. Lights not burning too bright. Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope. Likes dunking for french fries. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track. Lives in La-la-land. Lives in the same world, but a different universe. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. Long on dry wall, short on studs. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room. Looks for the "Any" key. Loose chip on the microprocessor board. Loose wire to his headset/ringer. Low on thinking gas. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Made a career out of mid-life crisis. Mainspring's wound too tight. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking. Metronome needs oil. Might be an example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains. Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind. Mind like a steel sieve. Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles. Missing a layer of insulation in his attic. Mooring lines don't reach the dock. More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral. Moves his lips to pretend he's reading. Must have ignored a knock-down pitch. Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass. Needs another brain to make half-wit. Needs both hands to wipe his behind. Needs front end alignment. Needs his disk checked/reformatted. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back. Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there. Nine pence in the shilling. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm. No charge in her synapses. No coins in the old fountain. No filter in the coffeemaker. No grain in the silo. No hands on the rudder/yoke. No hay in the loft. No one at the throttle. No wind in her mind's windmills. Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us. Not done evolving yet. Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective. Not enough brains to get anywhere *near* the gutter. Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen. Not enough sense to come in out of the rain. Not enough sense to stay out in the rain (like a 60's flower child). Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders. Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight. Not hard-docked. Not inflated to 90 PSI. Not Intel Inside. Not much to show for four billion years of evolution. Not only rude, but ugly too. Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game). TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THEM | |||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||
My interests:
| |||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||
| Favourite links | ||||||||||||||||
| |||||||||||||||||
|
This page has been visited
|